Being General Organa
by Lelila
Summary: Leia takes a few minutes to ponder how she's gotten to where she is. Takes place a short time before the events of "The Force Awakens."


_Being General Organa_

 _By Lelila_

General Organa. That's what they'd been calling her. It still sounded a bit odd in her ears. She'd been "Princess Leia" since she was an infant. Still, it was nice to have a title that didn't feel condescending coming out of certain mouths.

In some ways it made her feel like a different person.

It also, in some ways, made her feel less loved. For her whole life, everyone had addressed her by her first name.

Leia entered her small, bare quarters and sighed as she pulled her hair apart for the first time in nearly a week. She froze, realizing it had been nearly that long since she'd thought of them.

Rey.

Luke.

Ben.

…

Han.

She'd lost her family.

Again.

For essentially the same reason she'd lost it the last two times.

The Dark Side.

She pulled her fingers through her hair in frustration. By an accident of birth, she had been thrust into the very center of the galaxy's mortal struggle of good versus evil.

There were days she wished she could just go live on some backwater planet somewhere and be a farmer. Someplace where it didn't matter what she said or did. A place where she wouldn't have to spend hours on her hair every week.

She kept her hair long in memory of Alderaan; women there never cut their hair. What if she cut it? What if she cropped it short and changed the color? Would it make her someone that could deny her genetic legacy? For a brief moment, she almost believed it might.

With a great sigh, she cast aside her unrealistic dream and began pulling her brush through her now-released locks.

She wished Han was here. Correction: she wished the Han of ten years ago was here. He'd loved to watch her brush her hair. The time when their relationship was at its best, from shortly before Ben's birth to shortly after their son had gone to study with his uncle, had been sheer joy. Things had settled down; they weren't constantly running for their lives. And while the post-war rebuilding had been difficult, they had time to take a breath now and again and enjoy each other and their growing family.

And then two things started to happen at once: the First Order began to emerge and Ben began to slip towards the Dark Side. And then, just like last time, things began to fall apart.

She and Han had always argued; in some ways it was the foundation of their relationship. But they never were intentionally hurtful. Yes, they called each other names, but they'd never been truly cruel. Until in their stress and despair, they started lashing out at each other.

Their arguments became very bitter, and they started holding real grudges, something they had never done. Leia actually refused to talk to him several times; odd, because as a diplomat, she'd insist on talking even as shots were being fired.

And then Ben took the name Kylo Ren, and the terribleness happened. Luke took Rey and they both disappeared.

Leia had to admit it: she took her pain out on Han. He seemed the only person that it was safe to lash out at. She was a diplomat after all; saying the wrong thing to the wrong person could cause an inter-system incident. At first Han fought back. But they both came to realize that they really didn't want to hurt each other, and Han left.

Leia, always the pragmatist, dove into work, quickly finding a lead into the Resistance. After supplying a tactic that won a small skirmish for them, they'd dubbed her "General Organa."

And now here she was, practically back where she started, with nothing to show for it but a creased brow and some gray hairs. The chestnut highlights were gone, replaced by dull gray and mousy brown. It seemed faded, much like her spirit.

Still, as much as she just wanted to lay down and die some days, she knew she had to keep fighting. She believed with all of her heart and soul that there was still good in her son, just as there had been in her father. If she could just talk to him, find a way to make him feel her love, she was sure she could bring him back.

She wasn't so sure about Han, though. They'd said so many hurtful things to each other. And while she'd long ago forgiven him, knowing that they were both in pain, she wasn't sure he'd forgive her. When Han was in pain, he could be almost impossible.

Leia finished brushing her hair and headed towards the small 'fresher attached to her quarters. Stripping down to get into the shower, she paused to look in the mirror. Even with her long hair draped over her shoulders, she still looked like a faded holo of the person she saw in her mind's eye.

She drew a deep breath and pushed her shoulders back, locking eyes with herself in the mirror. It took a moment, but she finally saw her: Leia, daughter of the Viceroy of Alderaan, Imperial Senator of the Alderaanian System, Leader of the Rebel Alliance. Someone who never took "no" for an answer, who never stopped fighting. Things that not only defined her, but she had chosen to be.

Swallowing hard, she decided she would choose to continue to be all of those things. She would continue to fight to save the galaxy from evil and tyranny, because it was the right thing to do.

Even if it did mean losing her family.

* * *

 _It's been a while since I've written SW fic. I haven't had any ideas for it pretty much since the prequels came out. And while this is far from a Mangum Opus, I figure it was worth putting out there._

 _This came out of discussions with Solo's Seraglio (you know who you are!) about Rey's parentage. I've left it kind of vague on purpose, but it's pretty clear to me in the movie that Leia at least knows Rey. As for the rest of it, well, it was me just kind of channeling Leia._

 _Back to the other stories…_


End file.
